Sunday, January 20, 2013

in these empty arms.... living with the loss of a child Part 2


Wiping our faces, looking around-- we took a moment to breathe. She nudged me forward with the little of her face that wasn’t covered, signaling me to continue talking. “What can “help” you ease through this, what will make it “easier” is to remember all this I’m saying and to ask for help when you do forget, because the pain will come in huge tidal waves” I said as I held her hands and we cried publicly but not wailing, quietly our tears kept brimming and overflowing. We wiped our tears and kept talking, neither of us caring that we overstayed at the restaurant. The Waitresses left us alone. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this either, it’s happened with other sisters at a dhabiha/Arab food restaurant not that long before this with two other beloved sister/mommy friends of mine.....

 Continuing I told  her “Remember To ask for help on bad days from Allah first and foremost and seek refuge from the accursed Shaitan, depression and the was-was. Seek out a trusted confidant for support. On the days where it literally and physically feels as if an elephant or a truck were sitting on your chest and it hurts to breathe, swallow, and live; the days where it just HURTS with no description: walk away from what they are doing and immediately make a change. 

If you’re online, walk away from the computer and go outside. Alhamdulilah she is in Jannah (paradise). La Hawla Wa la Quwata Ila BilAllah (there is no might or power except with Allah) Go somewhere! Go near people! If you are near people and they have suffered a similar loss and keep bringing it up, remove yourself from them. Get into writing, sewing, reading, scrapbooking, support groups, reading, gardening, cooking, Arabic, hadeeth, Islamic classes, homeschooling, exercise. Do something that can give you a positive outlet and a “get away” with something to do. remember though, be very careful in not allowing your “support” group to become something of a black hole to suck you in and weigh you down. Don’t allow what is supposed to remind you drag you down and hurt you worse.


Also, and this isn’t to belittle your loss and it won’t make it go away but always remember there is someone who has lost more than you, no matter how HUGE your loss is. This is not meant to belittle our pain or experience at all I promise.” I said hoping she wouldn't take it wrong....


Continuing I said  “I only say this however, to help us remain grateful. And we must ALWAYS be grateful for the blessings of our Islam. I've taken up writing. I created a support group on facebook to reach out to other moms which in turn helps me cope.

I know you don’t want much social media in your life, but I use that as an outlet for me and others. I’m trying to make sure I’m always busy, that’s another helpful tip I guess. I've learned some Islamic knowledge to help me love Islam more, love Allah and His Messengers more and to help me grow and find comfort in His promises, and the promises of Allah are true. I've learned to love Allah more than myself or anyone else. Not an easy task. As hard as that is to implement, it’s way too dangerous to love someone or something other than Allah more than ourselves because if and when they go, our very lives, deen, mental stability, and emotional selves will go as well. (By now we were both puffy and red in the face and soaked on the sides of our hijabs/khimars) “Some days will be "easier' because Allah is Merciful and because you will get accustomed to the pain and some days will be slightly stronger in pain and harder to bear.

 May Allah continue to grant us mercy, love, and patience Ameen!”

Sighing, and attempting to return to the spunky, fun-sarcastic woman she was 9 months ago she says “is that it, that’s all?” smirk on her face, nervous, exhausted laughter of a mom who can say this, who “proudly wears this badge I've earned” as another mommy friend of mine named Hoda Khalifah says.

May Allah protect our Islam, May Allah guide us to His Deen, May He help us through all of our trials and may He makes us of those He forgives in his infinite mercy Ameen.



4 comments:

  1. A really touching post - I was crying after reading it all! Holly I admire your strength you have faced some really hard times and I am so glad that believeing in Allah has helped you through this!

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    1. Bismillaah

      As salaamu alaiki Karima

      Yes it was very very very moving. Had to share it on the site because it was so important that everyone should read it even if they could not get the magazine or not <3

      ~Umm Suhailah~

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    2. Ma sha Allah thank you Karima, it truly is Allah's will and Islam that I made/make it through the rough times. Thank you for reading and commenting

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  2. Jazakallah khair. The loss of my child was and still is painful. You described the emotions well.My gran lost her son nearly 40 years ago and she still grieves for her loss.

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