Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Introduction: Marital Discord & The Development of Self


"My heart is extremely heavy. It's been like this for days now. I've asked for some free time from the husband and kids, but it seems so hard to give. With all the responsibilities in the day, an hour of free time seems so darn complicated. I spend all day helping everyone. Which I love. Don't get me wrong. I am simply just drained. I feel so much negative inside that its disgusting.  If I don't get just that hour, then I need to know outside of prayer, how to fix what's broken.

I'm dying......I'm dying. This is my cry for help. For several days now. I am one step closer to running away. I do everything for everyone- I give and I give. I help and I help.

I just need a boost. Instead, when I share these feelings with my husband, he simply tells me I'm discontent with my responsibilities and I'm being ungrateful.  He says that I'm actually just doing my job. And still I just show discontent. He says everything I'm going through is inside my head.....everything is temporary fixes/escapes. He says I have to love Allaah, (as if I don't already) and what He has given before I lose myself to the Shaitan.  I never feel like he understands anything I'm saying...........

Everyday I feel like this. I just need help- someone to listen. I go to him, but to him I'm complaining.

He starts to swear at me- calls me names- because maybe, just maybe my complaining and nagging him is draining him. He doesn't know.....when he does this it kills me inside. I go downstairs to cry unrestricted. 

I grab my knife......and hold it tight in my hand, the blade in my hand..........and I cry. It's another day where I have to fight the thoughts of wanting to die......I never knew life would be this way.........."

(starting February 1st........ Marital Discord & The Development of Self)



6 comments:

  1. I used to feel this way until I realised a few things. Firstly, my DH will never be my best friend if he sees my primarily as his mother, and so long as his boat isn't being rocked, he doesn't need to change. I stopped giving unconditionally and very much made it a conditional element of our marriage - the Prophet (saw) did his own work and was not a burden to others. When I want time, I don't 'ask' like a little girl, I simply demand that he take care of HIS children for as long as I need - if he can't cope and needs help then it is up to him to sort that out. The nicer you are to people the less they care about your needs. Start honking your horn or people won't know you're coming. And having time just for US makes us better (not worse) mothers. You might want to look up 'passive aggression' and see the ways men manipulate women on that level too.

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    1. As salaamu alaiki Sis Debbie!

      Mashaa'Allaah Baraka'Allaahu'Feekum for the comment! It's definitely a big topic and important subject for us women! I hope we can come up with some ways, some positive and healthy solutions so that sisters can move forward :)

      ~Umm Suhailah~

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  2. I dont have time to comment much right now. I just wanted to let this sister know that she is not alone in felling this way. Do not let your husband make you feel guilty or like a bad Muslim. Subhanallah i am waking up/coming to terms with how rigid our husbands can be and how it destroys our Self. I sincerely pray that Allah give u ease..

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  3. As salaam wa alaikum. My suggestion is to give yourself free time since you won't get it from him. There will be times when you have to choose between sleep and me time, but when you really need the alone time, it's worth the sacrifice. You can also give the kids something to do in another room while you stay in yours. Please remember that you are not weak for needing a break. Do you have a friend who could watch the kids and let them play with hers?
    I know what it's like to get mean judgmental words from the one who is supposed to support you and I know what it's like to want to die. We are here to support you when you need us inshallah. Read this..maybe it will help inshallah. http://www.saudilife.net/parenting/29756-letter-to-the-struggling-mom

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  4. Bismillaah

    Wa alaiki salaam Sis AD!

    Baraka'Allaahu'Feekum for taking the time to comment! Mashaa'Allaah indeed the sister is not alone and there are so many others going through this May Allaah make it easy on all of the Ummah Aameen.

    Take me time is something I wrote about, especially for moms who have to try to make the time when it's hard on the husband's to give this :)

    ~Umm Suhailah~

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  5. Asalam waliykum,

    I honestly believe all women go through this in some way at some point in their marriage. The feeling of being over whelmed with responsibility. I do believe most couple work through these things. But when it happens it can make marital life unstable and Allah really tests the couple.
    As long as they both have Allah in the front of their hearts and minds and know Allah created everything as a trial a test. Your children are tests for you, your spouce, your in laws, your home, your job. Dont allow yourself to become so rooted in the dunya you forget your purpose... to worship Allah.

    wasalam

    Salwa

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