Thursday, May 15, 2014

On The Couch: 6 Reasons For Emotional Disconnect


"All praise and thanks belongs to Allaah. Lord & Creator of all the worlds. May Allaah bestow His peace & mercy upon the Prophet, his family, his companions, and on all of those who follow them in truth until The Last Day" Aameen

As salaamu alaykunna!

Welcome to Mariam Poppins where I'm constantly behind on post (as of recent lol) and where we talk about all types of subjects & topics.

Today I want to share my thoughts on some of the reasons why there is an emotional disconnect between the spouses. Its not uncommon to be married for over 3 years and wake up one morning feeling as though you are married to a stranger. Why does this happen?

Where does it began?

And how should we go about it and reestablish a connection?
It is stated:

"Emotional disconnection is the biggest single factor in divorce. Most divorcees say they just "grew apart," largely because they "couldn't communicate." This is sad because the problem was not about communication. It was about disconnection. Marriage partners are not disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected. In the beginning of the relationship, when they felt connected, they communicated just fine. They would talk for hours on end. And they communicated well throughout their relationship, whenever they felt connected."

Here are 6 reasons why there is an emotional disconnect between you & your spouse 

1. A Lack Of Empathy

  1. the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

If you are experiencing some emotional disconnect then you might want to question your level of empathy. If you aren't emphatic then you are apathetic.  Empathy often leaves a relationship when a person thinks that he or she should no longer have to care, understand, & share in their spouses feelings. This occurs when one has been hurt a lot, gone through some abuse or some sort of painful/negative experience.
"Empathy is the foundation of any authentic connection. "

2. Poor Communication Skills
Put it simply: People do not know how to talk to each other.
We spend our time talking at each other or listening not with the intent to understand but with the intent to refute. 
"Communication in love relationships is a function of emotional connection. When people feel connected, they communicate fine, and when they feel disconnected they communicate poorly, regardless of their choice of words and communication techniques."

3. A Lack of Quality Time

Everyone is too busy, too tired, too stressed and too much in a hurry to slow down and appreciate each other. 

How can you be connected to each other when you barely spend time together?

"Quality time with your spouse is one of the best investments of time and energy you can make. In our super-connected society, we have to fiercely protect that time against leeching distractions. If left unguarded, true quality time with your spouse may be eroded and contaminated."
Quality time helps to promote a healthy connection. 

"Quality time in marriage is nonnegotiable. Spending time with one another demonstrates how important your relationship is to the both of you. This time will bring you closer together and is an integral part of a healthy marriage."

4. Holding on to the past - resentment issues
Even if you verbally told your spouse you forgive them, but have yet to accept it in your heart...then there is still an issue.
For example, your husband may have gotten married to your co-wife without you knowing.
After you yelled at him, cried it out, and accepted his apology. You still hold on to it in your heart. You should seek to forgive whole heartedly and not just provide lip service. 

"Harboring anger – When we are with someone for a long time, we tend to catalog their negative traits and build a case against them that leads us to feel cynical. Try to notice if you’re harboring anger or resentment. Are you acting this out in subtle ways? Dealing with problems directly from a mature and open stance will save you from stifling your feelings of compassion and love. Honest communication can be tough, but it helps you to truly know your partner, rather than seeing him or her through a negative or critical lens. When we get into the habit of swallowing our feelings and turning against our partner rather than stating how we feel, we are skating on thin ice. Even when we start to feel close, we will often be quick to become critical the minute our partner does something that rubs us the wrong way. When we feel free to directly say the things that annoy or anger us, we are better able to let them go. The more we develop our ability to do this, the more emotionally close we feel to our partners. "

5. A lack of sharing each others interest and activities

It is so important to share in your spouse interest & activities. By sharing each others interest by the permission of Allaah it will make the hearts come close and connect. Sharing each others interest means you are showing that you consider your spouse ideas, goals, activities and interest important as if it was your very own!

"Early on in our relationships, we are often our most open, excited to try new things and share new adventures. As we fall into routine, we often resist novel experiences. We become more cynical, skeptical, and less willing to do things with our partners. It is important to take our partner’s passions and interests into account and to engage in activities that we really share. Love doesn't exist in a vacuum. As psychologist Pat Love has said, “You have to show up.” Slowing down and taking time to relate is essential to sustaining intimacy. Consistently doing things that your partner perceives as loving will also help keep the spark alive."

6. Trying to fix your partner instead of yourself

"Each individual must start with their own selves. Asking oneself what am I doing to harm my partner? sabotage, mean comments, lack of caring, holding back emotionally when its time to share. One should not go to their partner and say:'You & I need/should fix our problems. Rather the person should go up to their partner and say: "I have been looking into myself and these are things that I think I should fix about myself to make our relationship better.Do you have anything you would like that I should change about myself?" It is about personal growth, and strength. You have to be able to carry your own weight or try to. A good partner will try to help you out when they see you struggling to do it on your own. But do not recruit them in the beginning as if the problem is both of yours - the problem is personal." 

What are you guys thoughts? Weigh in the comment section below ;)

quotes taken from:
Abu Suhailah

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