What not to do when your husband says he wants to do Polygyny

Your husband wants to take a second wife. 

For some sisters, this will sting like alcohol poured on a paper cut. For some sisters, they are actually ok with it.

Everyone takes the news of a pending polygynous situation differently. Tears, confusion, insecurities, depression, etc.

Husband comes to you and says: I'm interested in taking on another wife.
What is your reaction? What are your thoughts? Are they halal? What's going through your mind?
Here's what we are not going to do:

​1. Yell. Automatically the voices are louder than normal. You feel overheated, red-faced, and you're yelling about: "How could you do this?" "Who is she?" "I'm leaving"

Instead:

We will remain calm, cool, and collected.  We will remember that this is permissible, no matter how we feel.

2. Seek a divorce. The first thing a sister wants to do is leave the whole family. Why? 

"I want a khula" 

Instead:

We will not ask for a divorce. You will keep your family together and get stronger Inshaa Allaah

3. We will not shadow box the hubby. No putting hands on anyone! You may get a giggle from this but we cannot put our hands on him for exercising his right.

Instead:

If you are that angry ask your husband if you can talk about it later. If you are too upset to communicate with him then that's ok. It's ok to be hurt. Wait until you are calm and try to talk to him again about it.

4. We will not think that hubby is replacing us and get insecure about our position and our importance.

Instead:

We will remember that a sister coming into the picture is an extension and not a replacement. Her coming into the picture doesn't make you any less important or special to your husband. Don't let the Shaitan fool you into believing that someone coming in is just a way to move you out the picture.

5. Do not think that someone coming in has the strength to break your marriage.

Sisters sometimes give more credit to their extended family than necessary.

Instead:

Know that you alone can either strengthen or break your marriage. Fight to make your marriage better, stronger, don't self-sabotage it and then blame someone else.

6. We will not stalk the husband, check his phone, think that every text message coming in is from another sister

Instead:

Do what you normally would do. Just because your husband says he is interested does not mean he's automatically talking to someone and even if he is, remember it's halal. Trust him to make smart decisions and give him his space to figure out what he wants to do. Make duaa that Allaah guides him to what's good, instead of violating him and stalking him.

7. Get depressed and hate life. Some sisters feel like it's the end of the world. That life is over.

Instead:

Love the same way you loved before. Be happy. Why? Because you will not show discontent for what Allaah has decreed to be. You accept it and you don't allow sadness to overcome. There are some people right now, dying from cancer and holding on. And their wife is helping them fight this cancer. I bet she would rather have to deal with polygyny then her husband being sick.

Life isn't over because your husband wants to remarry.

8. Make duaa against him. Some sisters are hoping silently for him to fail. Do you know that you are making duaa against him?

Instead:

Make duaa that Allaah gives you and your family the best. That you and your family are content with whatever is decreed- whether he takes a second wife or not. And that Allaah makes it easy on you, and your husband.

9. Do believe that your husband is yours and yours only. We seem to believe that our husbands were created only for us and that another sister needs to find her own husband.

Instead:

Please know that your husband was created to worship Allaah. It is truly by Allaah's mercy that He put you two together, gave you a family and kept you two together. It's by Allaah's  decree that if the husband wanted to marry again than Ma shaa Allaah, he is allowed to. Don't let the Shaitan trick you into believing your husband is only meant for you.  Don't give in to that thought. You make it hard on yourself to be truly happy for him if he does remarry because you'll think he wronged you.

10. Walk out. Give up. Quit. He wasn't a good husband anyway. Throw a tantrum and let the Shaitian trick you into believing your justified

Instead: 

Walk with him. Support him. I know some women don't believe that the decision is even hard for a guy to make, but it is. I watched my own husband struggle. A husband doesn't want to hurt his wife's feelings by doing this (If he does then that's scary and he needs to fear Allaah) Don't give up on your marriage and forsake your family. Your husband needs your support, so suck it up and don't throw a tantrum and be a helpmate 

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